Sometimes I spent hours, days, weeks in a haze where it feels like my body and my soul (or whatever you want to call the thing that makes me who I am, my consciousness maybe) are floating adjacent to one another but not fully connected. I am neither wholly one nor the other and I am sometimes not even aware of it being wrong because it’s like my brain is underwater and if I could just THINK I would be able to function, I’d be okay, but everything is so incredibly slow and difficult as if I am waking from or falling into a dream and I am not sure what is reality because everything real or imagined feels so far away.
Whenever I try to verbalize it I feel like I sound like a person who’s describing being stoned and the thing is I’ve never done recreational drugs because I partially forget who I am sometimes, like this, without any apparent trigger or desire to, and it has been this way most of my life and I cannot imagine why anyone would ever volunteer to feel like a balloon attached to your own wrist. And once or twice I HAVE forgotten myself almost completely and been someone else for a few hours, with only a vague sense that everything around me is wrong and not mine.
And the weirdest thing is that it’s not even scary. My head hurts, often, or I get very sleepy and lethargic, and it is a lot like being sedated - my brain isn’t functioning on a high enough level for me to experience fear, and it is only barely able to attend to my basic survival. Recently I spent 36 hours in bed, most of it awake but in this dreamy state, not eating or drinking anything or going to the bathroom the whole time because I had no desire or need to.
It’s so frustrating because I have no control over it and no understanding of what’s going on.
Also sometimes I hallucinate smells. Today all the food in my apartment smelled like woodsmoke and occasionally I’ll catch the smell in the air despite there being no possible source outside my own mind.
Maybe this is just what happens when you experience too many head injuries (at least three blackout concussions and other lesser accidents) over 20 years.